This year for the first time since Kyla’s birth in 2018, I had the opportunity to stay home alone with all 10 of my children (jk, I only have three, they just have energy of 10) for three days. If I’m honest this was a day I dreaded ever coming. I never thought I’d be capable of being alone with the kids for an extended period of time without any help. BUT, it went so much better than I could have hoped. This three day experience got me thinking about the progress I’ve made and lessons I’ve learned over the last three plus years. Let’s stroll down memory lane, shall we?

August 2018: 

Kyla is just over two weeks old. I’m a new mom of three. Jere is scheduled to return to work tomorrow. I’m having constant intrusive thoughts… “what if I hurt someone?” In my mind, the only way to protect my family is to keep me away from them. 

“My family is better off without me.” 

If I can’t trust my mind to “think good thoughts,” how can I trust my actions? After all, my actions stem from my thought life. I’m trying desperately to keep myself awake. If I fall asleep there is a chance I could do something in my sleep that I’d regret. 

Around 2 am, my body is screaming for rest. I barely sleep anymore, maybe 3-4 hours a night at max. I decide to give in to the call for rest, but only with my mom sleeping next to me. I know if I make any sudden movements, she’ll wake up and protect my family from me. It’s a miserable night, tossing and turning. With every turn, I’m reminded that both my mom and husband have to work tomorrow. 

“How am I supposed to be alone with all three kids? How am I supposed to get the boys dressed and off to school on time? How am I supposed to take care of a baby? I can’t do it, I can’t be trusted. I need someone to protect the kids.”

As I see the sun starting to rise, the tears come. I beg Jere to call his manager, “just one more day. I can’t do it today. I got no rest and I’m still having scary thoughts. I’ll be ready tomorrow…”   

Now, let’s compare that to November 2021:

I’ve just returned home from my third work trip of the year. Jere’s grandmother has been sick for a few years and seems to be getting worse. Sadly, she passes away. Of course, Jere will attend the funeral. That leaves me with all three children for three days while he travels from Georgia to Connecticut.

Without a second thought, I book the plane ticket for him. No sooner than I hit “submit” do the thoughts come, “what are you thinking? You can’t do this alone. How are you going to get the kids to school? You can’t drive alone. What if you get dizzy? What will you do then?” I capture those thoughts and make them obedient to Christ. “I am healed and whole, in Jesus’ name. He is always with me. He will never leave or forsake me. I can trust that His plans are good. I no longer live by fear.” 

As the day of his trip approaches, I prepare as much as possible, but I don’t obsess. We go about our life as usual. The night before Jere leaves, we make cookies, order takeout and watch a family movie. Then we go to sleep. I sleep through the night, Jere wakes me at 4 am to let me know he’s headed to the airport. I fall back asleep and awake at our normal time. I get the kids ready for school, drop everyone off and come back home. I have a praise party before getting dressed for the day. 

The next morning is much the same. The afternoon is a bit different as I prepare food for friendsgiving dinner. I have an hour drive ahead of me, but I know He’s with me and refuse to live in fear. I drive there, enjoy fellowship with framily, drive the hour back home, get the boys to bed then Kyla and I fall asleep together. 

The next day I take the kids out for breakfast at our favorite cafe and we enjoy the day together. Fear takes a backseat to faith.

What a night and day difference.

What changed?

How did I go from the woman in 2018 who was afraid of her own shadow, questioning her sanity to now coaching women from the depths of their despair to walking in freedom? So much has changed since that day in 2018, far too much to explain in one blog post. Today, I’ll share the most powerful change. Put simply, I learned two things. 

I learned the Truth

I was a Christian before experiencing postpartum anxiety. I had accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior with my mouth, but my actions told a different story. Up to that point, over the course of my 29 years of living, I had grown accustomed to being lord of my life. 

If I ever encountered a problem, I thought I could solve my problem (and everyone else’s for that matter, just ask my husband). 

In other words I talked the talk, but I didn’t walk the walk.Have you ever met a person who gave great advice, but had trouble following it? Raises hand. That was me. I could give Christian advice like the best of them, “pray about it. Submit it to the Lord.” And yet, I did the opposite. 

It took hitting absolute rock bottom, to recognize my weakness and inability to accomplish anything apart from Him. I can now say, I am thankful for postpartum anxiety, it brought me to the throne. This is where I learned how to surrender my will to His. 

I learned the Truth – Jesus is the only One who can save. I am a terrible savior. 

Like Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, I pleaded with God to take away the “thorn in my side,” but He replied “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So, as Paul, I decided “… I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

I loudly share my experience with others, my testimony leads others to the Truth we all desperately need. I hope it’s clear that I’m not trying to save anyone, but rather lead you to the One who saves. He will give you the tools you need to live life according to His will. Spoiler alert: it will likely look very different than your plans.

I learned to master my thought life

Early in my journey with postpartum anxiety, I received some bad advice about ignoring thoughts rather than trying to master them. “Observe your [intrusive] thoughts, but don’t try to change them.” 

I get the intent behind it, it’s easier to be an observer than a master. 

The world recommends allowing intrusive thoughts to freely move through the mind rather than taking action. Action takes work and work takes time. And when you’re struggling with toxic thoughts, you want them gone yesterday with as little effort as possible. 

But alas, Paul makes it clear in 2 Corinthians 10:5, we are to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. If your thoughts don’t align with the Word, you have a personal responsibility to do something. My story is proof, when you learn to master your thoughts, your life changes. 

By now you may be thinking, “this all sounds great, but how do I capture my thoughts?” The process is simple, but it takes time, which requires you to slow down and analyze the lies you’ve been believing and replace them with truth. (psst. I’m working on a course covering this exact topic, can’t wait to share it with you!)

My story is still being written, but the change from 2018 to 2021 is undeniable. It’s been a battle, but so worth fighting. I encourage you to make the choice today that you will not give up no matter how impossible it seems. 

In the words of Brene Brown, before you know it you will tell your story of how you overcame what you’re going through and it will become someone else’s survival guide. It is my hope that hearing my story encourages you to keep fighting. If you’re in need of Truth (we all are), we’d love to help, you can reach out by email to info@defeatppd.com or learn more about our ongoing support here: www.defeatppd.com/programs.

Praying for you,

Arielle Wozniak