I coach women with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. It’s my life’s mission to help women naturally overcome ppd without medication. But, I’d be lying to you if I said I haven’t struggled with anxiety since I’ve learned the tools and put them into action.
GASP.
You probably thought “she has it all together.” I don’t.
I’d be lying if I said I’m always calm and content. I’d be lying if I said I’m always happy and upbeat. I’d be lying if I said I feel 100% well 100% of the time. And I care far too much about you to lie to you.
In case it needs to be said, anyone who tells you that they are always happy, calm and content all the time is also lying to you.
It’s been over three years since the birth of my daughter and the “diagnosis” of postpartum anxiety and I still get anxious. If you would have told me in 2018 that anxiety would be a part of my life today, I would have died. Ok, not literally, but I for sure would have felt like giving up. “If I’ll still be anxious in three years, what’s the point?”
2018 me, couldn’t handle the truth.
I longed for the day that I’d wake up and never have to deal with anxiety again. 2021 me, knows that anxiety has a purpose and a place in my life (and yours too). As long as it’s not the driver of all my actions and is balanced out by all the other emotions we each feel, that works for me (and should for you too).
Who I am today is worlds apart from who I was in 2018. I’ve made so much progress and I’m sure you’re making progress too. Sometimes it’s just hard to see how far you’ve come when your vision is obstructed.
If you’ve been following my journey for some time now you probably know that I live in Georgia. My husband and I moved to Georgia from Connecticut in 2012. Right before we left there was a blizzard in the middle of October.
Let me repeat that, a BLIZZARD in the MIDDLE of October.
For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing a blizzard, allow me to paint the picture for you. Imagine being surrounded by snow and not being able to see more than a few feet or so in every direction. Now, add in 35+ mile an hour wind and very low temperatures.
At the time of the blizzard, Jere and I both worked retail at a mall. We went in early in the day before the snow started to fall and had no idea there was a storm raging outside until we got out.
The governor declared a state of emergency and somehow we were still working.
I remember looking at the sheer amount of snow that had accumulated and thinking, “we have two options, sleep in the car or attempt to make our way home despite the low visibility.” We chose the latter. We set out on what became the longest trip home from work ever.
Side notes: I don’t know why we didn’t just stay at a hotel, but glad we didn’t because I wouldn’t have this story to tell. I’m also not sure why I was the designated driver, but I was.
Because I could only see a short distance ahead of me, I had to drive extremely slow. If my memory serves correct, the speedometer didn’t get over 10 miles an hour the entire way home. A trip that would have taken us 20 minutes under normal conditions took over two hours (we ended up walking part of the way because our car couldn’t make it up our hill).
Along the way, we saw cars that had spun out from driving too quickly and others who’d just given up, but we kept right along. And eventually, we made it home.
The journey home didn’t look like I thought it would, there was a time (ok, several times) when I felt like giving up. I was literally crawling home. You too may be inching ahead, feeling like you’re not making progress. But each day you get up is progress towards the goal. Don’t discount the small steps. They add up, I promise. Before long you’ll look back and realize you’ve made it further than you’d even hoped to. As Dory would say, “just keep swimming.”
As you’re swimming, it’s important to keep in mind that progress is not linear. I know it’s cliche but it’s so true. If your journey is anything like mine, it may look more like the Cha Cha Slide:
To the left
Take it back now y’all
One hop this time
One hop this time
Reverse
Reverse
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Reverse, reverse
Reverse, reverse
Rather than focusing on every step (past, present and future), it’s important to focus on where you are today. Be present in this moment without worrying about how long it will take to get to the future you’re hoping for. The constant focus on the future actually steals the joy from today. So, you’re not doing yourself any favors.
One might argue (it’s me, I’m one), that you’re unintentionally stepping backward every time you future focus. I should be clear, planning is great, I highly advise it, but don’t hold off on living today waiting for the perfect tomorrow.
I experience vertigo from time to time and started treatment this year. While I was at church recently, during praise and worship, I felt a bit off balance and started to get frustrated. The off balance feeling was interfering with my ability to worship. I remember thinking to myself “I can’t wait for the day I don’t have to deal with this anymore in Heaven and I’ll be free to worship.”
At that moment God reminded me “you don’t have to wait until Heaven to dance. You can dance now.”
Don’t wait, dance now.
So simple yet so beautiful, I can dance now and so can you. Dance despite the pain, despite the dizziness, despite the anxiety, despite the depression, despite the fear, I encourage you to just dance.
Whether you like it or not, you’ll always be a work in progress, you’ll never reach perfection. As believers we can be confident that though it will take a lifetime, God, who began the good work within us, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns (Phillipians 1:6).
It may not be the news you want to hear, but it’s the Truth you need to hear. His work won’t be done until Christ returns. So, even as you overcome one challenge, another will come. We are guaranteed trouble in this life (John 16:33 tells us that), but we can take heart knowing that He has already overcome every trial we will ever face.
As you go through hardships, ask Him what you can learn from the trial. He is faithful to reveal it to you and it will change your perspective.
Little by little, you will be transformed.
I can’t tell you the number of women I work with who “just want the old me back.” I’ll be honest, that was exactly my goal when I first started this journey. It took some time, but I realized the goal isn’t to return to who I used to be, but to become who I am supposed to be. I have not arrived, but each day, I get a little closer than I was before. Even if I spent the entire day doing the Cha Cha Slide, I learned, which causes growth so even my steps backward become steps forward when I acknowledge that it’s all working together for my good.
If you’re struggling, riding the roller coaster of postpartum depression and/or anxiety and you’re ready to get off, we want to help. Be sure to visit www.defeatppd.com/programs for more information on the free programs we offer or email us at info@defeatppd.com.
Praying for you,
Arielle Wozniak